Today I woke up and went into Your rooms to wake you for school. Watching you sleep I could see that you have grown almost over night! Your face has defining features, I can even see my laugh lines in them. Your eyes are looking older and today you even brushed your teeth without a reminder or me nagging you.
A part of me is super excited for you, as I know you have so much ahead of you. But, Another part is scared because time is going by so fast. I’m scared I have not always been noticing, and somehow you have grown up without me even noticing.
Then I think to myself: Have I loved you enough? Did I teach you enough? Did your spirit break, or did you not feel you were enough? So Today I am writing this - To My Kids - For When I Feel Like a Failure as Your Mother!
I have a confession to make!
I have not always been the best Mom I can be and I want to be a great Mom, but sometimes I am not, not even a tiny bit. Every day I make mistakes and every day I regret them and learn from them.
I have many faults, like I snap when I shouldn't, I lecture way to much and expect for you to listen. I should be giving you a hug and telling you how much you are loved, but my anger overrules my heart. The worst part is I sometimes mistake your pain for complaining and you being sad as a bad attitude, instead of asking if you need to talk. I don't see that you need me, I watch myself and see that I am reacting wrong and miss what you need completely and I am heart sick that I didn't respond differently.
When I know I am failing as a parent.
When I am super tired and all I have in me is getting home. I am sad that you get my leftovers, instead of the fresh happy me. I truly wish that was different for us.
It is funny how when you are a child or a teen that you think Adults have it all figured out, that they do everything right and are always doing the right thing, but you are so wrong, They don't, we don't! I don't! As a parent, scared seems to be the one emotion we have the most of. We are scared you will grow up and leave, we are scared you will make bad choices. Most of all, we fear you will make the same mistakes that we did. Sometimes this fear is so overwhelming that I cannot think of anything else. I cannot concentrate, I can't even do a good job at work. This crippling fear makes me miss life, miss the little things, it prevents me from having joy! I can't seem to smile or even laugh when something is funny, but, I am truly working on that.
When I am lost, not present and unhappy, it is NOT you my loves. It is me, it is me struggling with my own demons, trying hard not to suffocate in the worry and stress of the world around us. Sometimes it’s anxiety, sometimes it is stress and even sometimes depression, but it is never, ever your fault. I promise this, I will strive for wholeness, so that when you have the same troubles, my experience and what got me through it, will be your guiding light.
Negativity is infections, it is so easy to dwell on the bad and negative things in life, instead of focusing on what is truly important. The good, the sweetness, the things that make us happy. Today, I want you to remember this though!
When you catch me staring at you, it is because I look at you and I am SO. PROUD. I am so proud because I see Love, friendship, family morals and kindness. I see nothing but good. I see someone who is devoted and wonderful. I am in awe of how I have been trusted with such beautiful souls. Your hearts are pure and sweet. You are all gentle and kind, yet a force to be reckoned with.
I am your biggest fan, your life cheerleader and your greatest supporter. There is NOTHING you can do to ever change that. Even when we are apart, you are always on my mind and in my prayers and know that no matter what I Love you!
I am your Mom, but only a human and flawed. So, Please help me to support you, help me get to know you. Tell me when I hurt your feelings, tell me your fears and needs and I will try my best to be there for you, no matter what. There is NOTHING you cannot tell me. I will never stop loving you no matter what. I promise we can figure out anything together.
Just remember, it is ok to make mistakes, you are young and learning. I make plenty, but I never want to make the mistake of loosing you, loosing your heart. Your hearts are what makes me, me. Your Mom!
My Wish for you!
My wish is that my failures teaches you something. I wish that when you feel frightened, confused or broken, that you find the tools to be ok with it.
I pray that you understand that you are not perfect and that it doesn't scare you as it has me. I pray that you do not run from your issues, but face them head on with diligence and bravery, that you learn to say I am sorry and mean it. You won't always get it right, but that is normal and completely OK.
We all make mistakes, you are no different, you will make lots of them. I have made them and so will you. But, I know this, when I look at you, there is light! You are my heart, my treasure, my reason for living.
Even though life is quickly passing by, we have amazing precious moments. If you just think, you can reach out and hold onto those. Calm yourself, stay still and let the world stop around you, then hold onto those precious thoughts. In that moment, when I do this and see the person you have become or a glimpse into who you will become, all my heart does is Scream WOW, I helped do this!
Today, when I stood and looked at you and realized you have grown overnight, all I want to say is you are amazing! You Wow and inspire me everyday. You make me want to pull out the greatness that I know is inside me. Just remember, please remember, We all make mistakes, but we will make them together and we will get each other through anything.
Contrary to how I feel, I am pretty sure I am never, ever, going to be perfect. But I will forever be yours and I am always on your team, that I promise you.
I Love you Always!